Known by our love

What I'm about to talk about is something very close to my heart. And like all closely held beliefs, it is one filled with thought and emotion. It is something I have thought long and hard about over the years.

Let me start with a little background about me and where my beliefs came from...after all, all of us are products (or reactions) of our environment. I was born into a pastor's family and raised in the church. I would consider my childhood a great one, filled with many life defining memories. As a teenager, my dad's job within his denomination changed and he became "a pastor to the pastors". Then, after college, I went to work for the same denomination as my dad. By my mid 20's, I found myself second guessing everything my childhood taught me about the church, about christians. I had been exposed to so many double lives. And the double standards so many had about drove me crazy. I felt about done with the church, but not done with Jesus. It was a very strange place to find myself  for a girl that was literally raised within the walls of the church. 

I was burnt out on church when we moved to Scotland. I actually consider our time at our church in Aberdeen one of great healing for me. From the first time we set foot in that church, everyone was genuinely welcoming, nice and incorporating. And that's how they were with every single person. That time really helped remind me what it means to be like Jesus. That we should incorporate others and not separate. That we should open our homes and churches, not create barriers. 

Unfortunately, my experience of inclusion hasn't been one many in mainstream American christianity have gone through. Mainstream christianity today in America is defined by what we don't believe in, or don't agree with. It's defined by exclusion. It's defined by hate. It's defined by us persecuting others. Isn't that ironic? The church has become known for the very things is should be against? I get that every church isn't out doing crazy things like the Westboro Baptist Church, but we do love to stand against certain causes/sins/walks of life much more angrily and hostile than we do towards others. 

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.  

John 13:35

We as a church don't even have the loving one another part down. We love watching an overly inflated preacher fail. Gossip and backstabbing are just normal parts of the church. Instead of helping everyone, many churches now only help those they deem worthy. Jesus must look at us and wonder where we got so far off track. 

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law. 

Galatians 5:22-23

We, as followers of Christ, should be oozing the fruit of the spirit. Now, do we always get it right? Certainly not. But this is what we should be striving toward instead of taking mantras like "love the sinner, hate the sin" and making them part of our core values as a church. Which, how does one love and hate the same thing anyway? I even thought of it in the context of us not being able to love ourselves when we hate our belly/thighs/hair/nose/etc. How then would we ever be able to love another person yet HATE something they are doing? Hate is such a strong word. 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary had a couple definitions of hate that are quite eye opening. "Intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger or a sense of injury." Or there's this one, "extreme dislike or disgust." Neither of those definitions go hand in hand with love, do they? And when did Christ call us to do something other than love others? I'm finding it hard to find where we are told to stand in hate toward people's sins...but not our own, of course, because the church is great at deciding who we will and won't forgive or accept in with open arms. 

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck our of your brother's eye. 

Matthew 7:5

I'm not claiming I get it right all the time, not even close. I certainly mess up. I am a sinner, saved by grace. But I do try to come in love. I try to put myself in the other person's shoes. I try to stand up for injustice. I remind myself that Jesus loves to give people second chances. And third. And fourth. And fifth. My beliefs are never a reason to cut someone out of my life. They aren't a reason to turn my back on someone. In fact, my beliefs should have just the opposite effect on me. 

I get that I am over simplifying a hugely complicated issue. Anything with humans and feelings and emotions involved is complicated. But I do know love wins every time. And I also know that my belief in Jesus Christ and my decision to walk in his image should never, never, never be a reason for division between me and someone else. 

Please know that I am aware there are legitimate reasons that we have to sever relationships with people. I get that. We should never allow physical abuse and emotional abuse to go on. Please don't think I am saying that. What I am saying is that as Christians, we should not allow our beliefs to get in the way of loving and accepting another person just because their beliefs are different than ours. 

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Kids and Church

When Connor was a newborn, I had a hard time motivating myself to go to church. Part of this was the sheer act of getting both of us ready and out of the house at an early hour seemed next to impossible. The other part was, I spent all my time sitting in a crying room nursing him and really not paying much attention to the sermon. In those first few months, church seemed pointless to me.

As Connor got older, going to church got easier. In Scotland, kids can't go to the nursery until they are 9 months old. But, the crying room was outfitted like a nursery. So, I just had to stick him in one of the various bouncy toys and I could happily listen to the sermon...or talk to other moms in there.

Once Connor graduated to the nursery, my nerves got the best of me. I would sit in service and wait for them to bring him up to me. Yep, in our church, they bring your screaming child into the service to you. Fun times. And Sunday after Sunday it happened. But people told me to be persistent and he would eventually get it. And he did. After about 3 months, he no longer had to be brought up to me.

Then we moved. The church we go to has a strict policy about sick kids in the nursery, which I understand. However, every kid out there always seems to have a cough or runny nose or something. And because I am scared of the wrath of the nursery workers, I seem to stay home from church more than I would like. And the thing is, Connor has never even had to be on antibiotics. Sure, he picked up hand, foot & mouth disease at one point, but that has been it. But with every drip of the nose or slight cough, I scare myself into staying home from church.

Its just the phase of life I am in, I realize. But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems having kids makes going to church difficult. All the sickness and no real options for when they are only slightly sick, plus the kicking and screaming every week when I take Connor to the nursery makes church going hard. And I know, its a phase. But I too like to have my tank filled up (so to speak) and these days i find myself not getting it at much as I would like.


** On a side note, it always is nice to talk to other moms and realize I am not the only one out there that struggles with these things. 

Misfit

I was raised in the church...like literally spent my childhood years within the four walls of a church. Church was like second nature to me. I knew to eat the leftover communion crackers for snacks and that if I said I wanted to "help" the usher, I could sit on the back row. I knew everyone in the church and everyone knew me. It was like a second home to me. I felt completely comfortable there. It was where my friends were...I had more church friends than school friends. I never questioned going to church. I liked going. I felt like I belonged.

Then, the older I got, the less comfortable I felt. I started to notice church was a bit like a competition to people. People seeing who could be the most spiritual, who could give the most money, who could volunteer the most time. The more this happened, the more out of place I felt. The more I realized that many pastors don't even realize that life exists for most people outside the four walls of the church. If I wasn't volunteering enough time at church, involved in enough "extracurricular activities" (i.e. bible studies, extra services, etc), or giving enough money, then I wasn't in the "inner circle". And all the more, I didn't fit in. I am the person who cusses every once in a while and enjoys the odd beer. And sometimes I like to sleep in rather than go to church (I know what you are thinking...SINNER!) I by no means am perfect, but felt like who I was wasn't acceptable for the church. Many of my friends weren't christians and the church seemed to have a problem with this.

Going to church became a chore. And the reason I continued to go? Because I love God and I thought it was what I was supposed to do. So, week after week, I drug my butt to a place I knew so well, yet felt like I didn't belong. I felt like a fraud there...like I wasn't christian enough. I felt like I couldn't even trust most christians. After all, I didn't want my prayer request to be the latest gossip, which it so often is.

This has gone on for years, many a years. We have gone to some great churches during this time, but it didn't help in making me feel like I fit in. My christian circle was made up of friends who didn't go to the same church as I. In fact, many of them faced the same dilemma as I did...feeling like a misfit within the church, within the very place we should feel most welcome, most at home. But, I had friends I could count on. People I could call to pray for me or just to talk. They were real friends. And to me, the church was not real at all.

All this has begun to change for me recently. When Ian and I moved to Aberdeen, we obviously had to find a new church. And this church, like all the others, isn't perfect. But, there is something different about it. Something I can't explain. I feel like I fit in. I feel like the people aren't trying to put on a show. They aren't acting like they are perfect. Everyone hangs out together after the service (and there is like 300 people in one service). We have been able to meet friends and talk to people. And I am now at the point that I actually want to go to church. There is joy in my heart about it. I feel cared about.

This has taught me a lesson. Church isn't about who is preaching, what they are preaching about, how good the worship is, etc. It is about the people. It is about being surrounded by people who want you to succeed. People who will encourage you when you have had a crappy week. People who you may not have anything in common with, but will give you a hug and genuinely ask how you are doing.

A couple weeks ago, I got a phone call from the pastor's wife. She just called to see how we were doing. In all my years of going to church, this has never happened to me. No one from my church (pastor's wife or other) has ever called to see how I am doing. It warmed my heart. Just like everyone else out there, I want to feel like I belong. I want to feel like someone cares about me (someone in the church, not just my friends and family), like someone has my back. I am finally getting to that place and it feels right.

Church Shopping

Shopping for a church has to be one of the hardest, and most uncomfortable, things out there! I was raised in the church, yet going into new ones just seems so difficult and awkward to me. Its like going to an exclusive club and you don't know anyone...or like going to a new high school and trying to make friends!

Since we just moved, Ian and I thought it would be good to find a church before the baby is born. So, we have visited a different church each week to see what we like best. Obviously, we realize no church is perfect, but we want to find one we actually fit in at. So far, we have just visited churches that people recommended to us...a Church of Scotland (WAY old school), an Assembly's of God (pretty standard) and an independent church (probably the one we seemed to fit in the most at). The first thing I have noticed about church shopping is that churches have horrible websites. They seem to set up their websites for people who currently are going to their churches...and honestly, how often do you visit your church's website? The one thing that stands out, for all the churches, the address and a map showing where the church is located seemed to be deeply hidden in an odd place on the website. This is crucial information for new people and needs to be front and center! The second thing I noticed is that all the churches said they are "friendly" and you will be greeted by someone that recognizes you are new. At the second church we attended (AG), not one single person even said hi to us...talk about awkward! The first one (Church of Scotland), two guys did after church, thinking we were new students. Today, at the independent church, people were totally friendly. A lady came and chatted with us for a while, whom we later found out was the pastor's wife. Then, during the "greet" time in the service (which might I say really is an awful time for new people...and isn't it supposed to be for new people?!?) we talked to a really nice couple sitting in front of us. After service, we ran into a guy Ian works with and ended up talking to another guy (like our parents age), who was so friendly and seemed to genuinely take interest and care about us. It felt good. Isn't that the way you should feel at church?

An increasingly popular trend at churches is churches writing their own songs. I am not totally bashing this, as both the church in Pasadena and the church in Edinburgh that Ian and I attended wrote their own songs. But, it does make you feel like a fish out of water when you are church shopping! At least throw us new people a bone and sing one mainstream song!

Now, I know this next comment is getting a tad bit nitpickey, but hey, we are church shopping here, so I can be if I want to be! Both this Sunday and last Sunday, the churches served communion. This got Ian and I talking about our "favorite" ways of recieving communion. Both of us said we liked it when churches passed out the communion, then the pastor prayed and everyone took the communion together. These days, it seems to be everyone taking the communion as soon as they get it (either it being passed around or you serve yourself) and this is in the middle of worship. This doesn't really allow for any prayer or reflection time and honestly I don't like that. Isn't that what communion is all about?!? Well, that and the fabulous crackers!

Really, I say all this to let you all know that church shopping totally SUCKS! It's uncomfortable, not fun and makes me feel like a total outsider in a place that should feel like home...right? Maybe someday I will feel like I fit in at church, but in the mean time, we will pick a church that seems the best for us and go from there...