I know I don't normally post super serious stuff, but my little head is on overload the last couple days and I thought I would share it with you all. 

It started the other day. It was the 9th anniversary of a dear family friend's death. This man meant a lot to my family. When he was killed, it shook my world. He has kids the same ages as me and my brothers. I remember thinking at the time how it sucks that his daughter, my friend, wouldn't have her dad around to walk her down the isle when she got married. I thought the same thing when she had a kid this past year. It sucks that her dad isn't here to see her beautiful son. To see what an awesome person she has become.

Then, last week a former co-worker of mine died tragically. When I heard about it, my heart was heavy. He wasn't old enough to die. He wasn't sick. It was just out of the blue. And sometimes I think out of the blue is harder to deal with. There is no processing what is happening. It is unexpected. One moment someone is here, the next, not.

To comfort myself, I thought well...

2 Corinthians 5:8 (NIV)

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

I know heaven will be amazing. And I know my little mind can't even comprehend what being in the presence of the Lord 24/7 will be like. It gives me goosebumps. It makes me want to cry. Happy tears. But here's the thing, I don't want to die before I see my kids grow up, before I meet my grandkids. And I think the reality is most people don't. And then I realized, I am in my head so much about this because of my own fears and anxieties.

I want my kids to grow up in a safe and loving home where both parents are there. I don't want either Ian or I to die before we are old and gray. I want to leave a Godly legacy that people can talk about. I want people to be able to focus on the incredible life I lived for God, rather than how I died.

It is because of these things that my heart is heavy. These men lived Godly lives. They are in heaven experiencing everything they preached about. There are no tears, there is no sorrow. They are worshiping God with all the people that went before them. I'm sure it is an incredible experience that can't be matched here on earth. The problem is here on earth we hurt (and are confused) when we lose people.

And I end my jumbled thoughts with one of my favorite scriptures:

Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It is because of  my awesome God that I am able to rest my weary mind in Him, knowing that He is always with me.


  1. :-) You have a strong faith in Him.

  2. I have the same fears. Not because I do not believe heaven exists, but my fear of leaving Ethan behind. I want to see his life. I still want to experience so many more things with him and my husband. That is my fear, leaving my life in the middle of it (at least in my eyes).


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