Who am I?

I have a friend that has a mommy day once a week. Her mom watches her kids for a few hours and she gets to do whatever her heart desires. One day when asking her what she normally does with her mommy day, she threw at me a bunch of things that reminded me of my childless years - pedicures, sitting in coffee shops, reading a book, browsing through stores and more. After realizing that I fully expected her to answer that her childless days were spent grocery shopping, running errands and cleaning, I was slapped across the face struck with a reality. 
Who I am is so different from who I was a few years ago. 

I used to fill my time with ease. Shopping, dinner with friends, coffee with different friends, hosting poker nights at our house, BBQs in the backyard with friends, going to the movies, reading books, fancy dinners, spur of the moment trips to Disneyland. Now-a-days, if I get a breather, I run around the house picking things up, taking out the trash, running the vacuum. And if I am really feeling crazy, I will run out to Target after the kids are in bed. 

Have I lost myself?

Have I become the person I swore I would never become? You know, the mom who loses herself in her children. 

After muling it over, I am pretty certain the answer is no. But I have become a different person. And along with that change has come different past times. Rarely do I get a true moment to myself to do whatever the heck I please. In fact, those moments almost never happen. Usually after the kids are in bed and the laundry is going, I will sneak some time in to go through the pictures I took of the kids that day and write a blog. That's about it before I fall into bed. 

As the kids get older, I hope I don't discover that I lost the relationships I once held dear. I don't want to lose myself, but I also don't want to lose others I love. I hope to not only grow old with Ian by my side, but with my friends and family as well. I hope to never lose sight of who I am. To never find myself trying to figure out what it is that I enjoy. 

And in case that happens, here is a little reminder. On the 5th day of March in 2013, here are some of the things I enjoy:

amateur photography
reading (though these days it is blogs rather than books)
cuddling with Ian on the couch
reading the newspaper
going for a drive with Ian
listening to the rain
cuddling with my babies
the sun on my face

Some days I think I just need a little reminder that though I am a mom and that literally takes up all my time, I am my own person as well. I don't want to forget that and learn the hard way when my kids are all grown up.


  1. I love this post. I think it is super easy to believe we have lost ourselves to our kids, rather than the reality (for me at least), we have died to our selves and become something new. All of the original is there but it is built upon, changing, evolving, and? busy! so busy! I believe wholeheartedly that when I have the time again I'll do incredible, fun, self fulfilling and fueling things. But for now? I'll find alone time in groceries, photos uploading, baking a perfect cookie. a

  2. we're all becoming new people, all the time. if we didn't change... well... that would be dumb! you're in a new stage of life, but you aren't your kids. I'm glad you take time to focus on who YOU are.

  3. Hi. I just found your blog (because you commented on Playing House Full Time). I like entries like this about what it's really like to be a mom and how you think about yourself. I will try to keep reading. Thanks! :)


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